The Prvncl Hiatus — What Really Happened?

I remember those nights so clearly — waking up in a cold sweat, convinced I was breaking the law or disappointing everyone. Did I email that writer back? Did I send that payment? Do I have the money to make that payment in the first place? What do I need to send to the UK distributor? How do I increase my sell through at Barnes & Noble? Was that a giant mistake? How do I grow my reach? The printer’s deadline is coming up. What else did they need from me? If I don’t hit that sales number, what do I do? What do I tell people? Do people think I’m a fraud? Am I a fraud?

After years of these nights, I came to one conclusion — I have to let it burn. The anxiety was eating me from the inside out. I was continuously disappointing hundreds of people who believed in me, who believed in Prvncl. People who sowed their time, talent and money to be a part of something that was supposed to bring peace. At the beginning of 2018, it was the exact opposite. Something that started as a conduit of peace and inspiration was causing me so much anxiety that I had a complete mental shut down. Something just turned off.

It’s taken me two years to recover from the moment I thought my passion project was dead to write this to you. But, with the slow resurrection of something that brings peace to my soul once again, I want to share the truth about what happened.

Most founders wouldn’t lay this out in detail, and there is value in protecting the customer base from the inner workings of a failed company. But, now that I’m on the other side, I want to share my experience with entrepreneurship, and just maybe give someone out there permission to put themselves before their company, project, venture or passion. The weight of what it takes to start something that has longevity must come from an overflow of yourself. You can’t give what you don’t have, and if it’s keeping you up at night, crippling you with fear and anxiety — rethink it.

So here it goes. I hope you read on.

My best friend was the only person I told about my anxiety. I’m a private person, the kind of that hides my weakness so that everyone else feels safe. She did the best she could to encourage me, but I couldn’t shake the pressure I let slowly build and build over many years, like a giant tower made of fake stone. It started with the Kickstarter campaign in 2014, the fundraiser to print the first issue of Prvncl.

In my heart of hearts, I knew that maybe I was rushing it. I had been successfully publishing articles online, building the following and connecting with so many stunning photographers and writers all over the world. I wanted their work to be immortalized in print — I wanted as many as people as possible to see their brilliance. I was 22 years old, and I thought I could handle it — the burden no one asked me to take on, but the one I picked up with good intentions and no data.

During that month of the campaign, I moved across the country for a relationship I knew was doomed to fail. It was breaking my heart everyday, and I knew that once I got to California, it would be just Prvncl and I. After the campaign was successful, I felt a jolt of hope. I was determined and focused. Then, the inevitable happened. I got my heart broken, and broken by someone who didn’t think Prvncl was impressive or inspiring at all. It started to eat at me then. Rejection, disbelief and fear.

Regardless of my lack of emotional capacity, I now had to deliver a magazine. My first ever addition to the world, and the thing that I held on the highest pedestal — the world of print. It happened, we pulled it off. I can’t even fathom how. The people that surrounded me in that time are some who I will cherish the rest of my life. They had no idea the support I felt, that I would’ve crumbled without.

After Volume One was sent out, I was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. My inner world was beginning to heal, and I was tunnel vision focused on what Prvncl could grow to be. I started to really dream, and dream big. I felt this entire lifestyle brand bursting out of me, like an entire rose garden blooming in a moment inside my heart.

I went for it. I tried to learn everything I could about publishing. Everything I could learn about business, fundraising, digital marketing, editing, content creation and curation — all of it. I didn’t even think about the fact that I probably couldn’t do everything by myself. It didn’t occur to me that I might need help, that I would need to embrace delegation and find people whose heart for the project beat at the same pace as mine. I didn’t know.

All of it came crashing down when I wore myself so thin that every time I saw an order come through, I panicked. The anxiety was back, and as I continued to get my heart broken by a couple different relationships — people who were constantly unsure about me, I began to question if I was good enough for anyone or anything. However, my true vice was that I was breaking my own heart, over and over and over.

Prvncl felt like a person. It felt like me, but a living, breathing piece of my heart in front of everyone — waiting for them to either feel inspired or not. It wasn’t moving as fast as I wanted it to, and it felt like I was letting it down, in turn, letting myself down. I couldn’t measure up to a persona I had created in my own mind, and when I couldn’t do everything, I did nothing, only perpetrating the growing panic inside my own head. I wasn’t on my own team. I couldn’t inspire myself anymore, let alone inspire everyone else. So I let it go. I let it burn. I had to. It was the beginning of a two year journey, learning to be ok with failure, disappointment and fear. I had to value myself first, without worrying about what everyone else thought.

These years have been a mixed bag of love, laughter, grieving and growth. The older I get, the more grace I have for myself. I’ve learned I don’t have to be in a rush. I can let things go. I can let the pace of my life be what feels peaceful, not what brings the fastest result. I’ve learned to be open about what scares me, letting the ones around me cover me in my weakness. I’m a work in progress.

I was convinced this entire time that Prvncl wouldn’t make a come back. I was done. It was too special to fail a second time. But then I thought, I’ll just inspire myself again, and in turn be inspired by others. We’re all not ok sometimes, and my goal for this little section of the Internet (for now) is to be a source of peace and inspiration again, allowing us all to be whatever it is we are — all human, all on a journey, all beautiful.

I’m thankful, humbled and filled with genuine hope for what this new wave of Prvncl will be. I hope you’ll stay a while, trust me again and ultimately have grace for yourself, exactly as you are.

Welcome back.

All photos on film by Daniel Byun.